I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
