its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
