I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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