The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
