i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
