What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
