You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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