you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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