All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
