the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize