good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You are the jesus of drinking
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
