He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
