his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
