he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
