mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
