she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
