I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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