Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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