something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
