If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
