There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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