I'm so fucking centered right now
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
