you're like a bully in the Christmas story
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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