I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
