And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize