I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
