I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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