He uses pillows to masturbate.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Success! We fucked roommates!
Randomize