I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
