Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize