Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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