Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize