On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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