my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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