Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize