... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
