If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
