discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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