apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
