I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
