if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize