im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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