I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
What a fucking waste of an outfit
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize