Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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