I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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