just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
