If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
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