just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
