Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
