he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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