I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize