Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
