my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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