non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
