You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
