Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
