my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
