rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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