Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
