Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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