I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
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