after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
