Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He passed out mid-signature
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
