she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
