I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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