a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
