i think my mom watched the whole time
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
