She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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