my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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